Spring Cleaning and Old Friends
by Raggedy Doctor
Summary: One-sided /it seems/ Master/Doctor AU The Master and Doctor find another Time Lord alive and well... in the Doctor's back rooms. In this Chapter: The Master worries in rage, the Bachelor has a dumb idea and the Tardis' plan begins to come to fruition
1. Spring Cleaning

BBC owns Doctor Who

This is posted somewhere on livejournal too, but I'm an extremely lazy livejournal--er so I'm posting it up where

I'm sure you're all used to Alternate Universes by now... I mean... you watch Doctor Who after all...

* * *

The Doctor ran as quickly as his legs could carry him through the corridors of his Tardis. He was yelling at the top of his lungs about something he found, or something he thought was extinct, or a new life form that had grown from a mouldy banana. The Master scowled from his seat in the control room hearing constant thumping, giggles, yelling, a roar at one point, and the squeak of a rubber duck. The Master threw his book across the room violently. The book crashed into one of the Tardis' walls causing a satisfying 'thud.' The Tardis gave an annoyed shake in response... or the Doctor had blown something up again.

At that thought the Doctor barrelled into the control room giggling (like a girl the Master might add) wearing a flotation device with TITANIC printed on it around his neck, one shoe lace undone, a rubber duck sticking out of his pocket, a mop in one hand and some sort of tiny mouldy banana monster in the other, his face was covered in soot, dust, and spider webs, and his wild hair was more wild than usual.

"I found some of Ace's old explosives! Gave me a shock I'll tell you!" The Doctor laughed.

The Master glared.

The Doctor continued babbling on about explosives and the Banana Monster (which he wanted to give a name to) and completely missed the Master's menacing look for a good twenty seconds.

"I was thinking of Alonzo because then I could go Allon—oh." He stopped FINALLY seeming to notice the Master's glare. The Doctor blinked utterly clueless as if he had no idea why on the Tardis the Master would be glaring at him.

The Master glared for ten more seconds.

"What?" The Doctor finally pouted the banana monster running up his shoulder hiding behind his head to get away from the Master's fierce look, "What? Whaaat?" He whined.

"Shut up," The Master said after five more seconds.

"Wha-"

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!!! YOU'RE NAMING A BANANA FOR RASSILONS SAKE, A BANANA!!!" This outburst had been a long time in coming. Was it the Master's fault that his self proclaimed keeper was a ... was a... the Master didn't even know WHAT the Doctor was. The Master was strongly reminded of their childhood and sharing a dorm with the nut job. Theta always had brought in animals he claimed were 'cute.' Animals that liked to bite the Master's nose when Theta wasn't looking.

"The Banana Mould Monster has feelings too," The Doctor chided as the strange little creature hugged the Doctor's neck cowering from the Master's shouting.

The Master took a deep breath. Shouting didn't get through to this Doctor as he had learned the first week of his imprisonment. Neither did manipulation, the silent treatment, or violence. None of it, no, this Doctor tried to talk about _feelings_ when the Master shouted, THIS Doctor didn't pay attention long enough to be manipulated, THIS DOCTOR didn't even NOTICE the silent treatment because he was talking EVERY-WAKING-MOMENT.

And violence. VIOLENCE resulted in the puppy dog eyes. A look that screamed hurt confusion about what he possibly could have done to deserve a little punch in the face.

To put it short, the Doctor didn't understand that he was an annoying chatterbox with no mute button.

Rasslion that man never changed, but at least he used to understand he was annoying instead of giving the Master clueless looks.

The Master pulled himself out of his angry thoughts happy to know that he missed most of the Doctor's speech about—

"You just need to give Alonzo a chance—"

"We are not calling it Alonzo!" The Master yelled. The Doctor gave another of his little pouts again and looked down slightly like a scolded school boy.

"Oh, alright... Master," He said with the smallest hit of a smile. The Master's stomach tightened slightly at the sound of his name. He was sure, completely sure that the Doctor did it on purpose, in that voice, and that tone that made him sound so submissive. The Doctor KNEW how much the Master liked to hear his name on the Doctor's lips.

It always threw him off.

"So anyways," the Doctor exclaimed instantly energetic again, "I'll leave you to name the Banana Monster while I finish the spring cleaning alright?" The Doctor rushed forward dropping the banana monster into the Master's lap and then ran through the opposite corridor to the one he entered from shouting, "ALLONS-Y!"

It was all over before the Master had a moment to protest. He twitched slightly. He looked down at the Banana Monster.

"I could kill him," he told it, "I could kill him and rip him into teeny tiny pieces, light them on fire, and then stomp on him and after he regenerated do it again, I just choose not to."

He mentally groaned. He was so starved for a conversation with an intelligent life form (and no, the Doctor didn't count) that he was talking to a creature born from the mould of one of the Doctor's half eaten bananas. The Banana monster looked up at him for a moment—

--And then promptly bit his nose (and why the hell hadn't he seen THAT one coming?)

"YOU LITTLE BASTARD!!" The Master screamed jumping up and grabbing the Banana Monster off his nose. Being made of slime it easily slipped out of his grasp and ran off hiding somewhere in the Tardis' cables.

"What happened I heard a shout," The Doctor said poking his head into the control room (he now had a pair of groucho glasses on).

"It... that little... thing BIT me!" The Master growled. The Doctor blinked taking off his ridiculous glasses.

"Alonzo wouldn't do that—"

"HIS NAME IS NOT ALONZO!!!" The Master shouted in frustration. The Doctor beamed a smile lighting up his face.

"You named him then?"

"NO!" The Doctor frowned.

"Oh."

The Master took a deep breath, "Doctor," he said as calmly as he could, "Have you not noticed, that I extremely dislike you? Or have you gone senile in your old age?" The Doctor tilted his head screwing up his mouth as he thought out loud.

"My, you are grouchy today aren't you?"

The Master balled his hands into fists trying not to throttle the skinny idiot, "I am _always _grouchy, you _make _me grouchy, I hate living with you. I ALWAYS hate living with you no matter what your personality is like. This one though, this one is the very worst, at least before you made some effort to not being as annoying as you naturally are. You're doing it on purpose aren't—"

The Doctor dropped to his knees eyes down a small frown on his lips. The breath caught in the Master's throat. He took a step towards the kneeling Doctor.

"I'm sorry," The Doctor said quietly. The Master bit the inside of his lip. Was the Doctor--?

"It's okay Alonzo! I won't let the mean ol' Master hurt you! You can help me clean some more okay?" The Doctor finished cheerfully as the Banana Monster jumped into his hands out of the clump of cable he had been hiding in. The Master was sure that one of his hearts was having a heart attack. The Doctor looked up at him from the ground curiously.

"Now sorry, what were you saying... ... ... Master?"

"I'LL FINISH THE BLOODY CLEANING STAY HERE AND TALK TO YOUR STUPID BANANA!!!!!!!!!" The Master yelled picking up the Doctor's abandoned mop and marching through the corridor.

The Doctor watched him leave, a small smile on his lips.

Perhaps it was a bit on purpose, but the Master didn't need to know that.

With our Anti-Hero

"Bananas, apologising to Bananas!" The Master spat as he stomped down the endless corridors. He seethed. He wasn't so much as cleaning as he was stomping away from the Doctor and his ridiculous little ... thing. Yes, he knew, he had never wanted to be kept by the Doctor in the first place, he literally would rather have died, and stayed dead, but OH NO, the Doctor figured out that it was actually one of the guards in a mask being controlled by the Master remotely. Even though he knew that living with the Doctor would be just another version of Hell for him to visit he had thought, perhaps, there might be an upside. They were the last of the Time Lords, former friends, former enemies (well, not so former enemies, though the Doctor didn't seem to understand that point), they had always been... special to one another, they always mourned when they believed they managed to kill the other. Even with the Time Lords alive the Doctor was always the Master's and the Master was always the Do—only one able to own the Doctor. They were the only constants in each other's long lives.

And this regeneration of the Doctor looked ever so pretty on his knees, the Master's name on his lips, eyes looking up with adoration at---

Yes, the Master wanted to shag the Doctor, he had known he wanted to at his first glance. The Earth's domination was foreplay, did the Doctor think he'd be stuck as an old man forever? It was only until the Master killed off that annoying Jones girl. After that... well... there never was an after that because of that annoying Jones girl now was there? Meddlesome cockblocker... Oh, but all the plans the Master had had for his Doctor... willing or not. He had even had a few plans for Handsome Jack as well, but all those went down the drain along with his plans for universal domination and recreating Galifrey.

He had lost to the power of positive thinking, now THAT was embarrassing.

It didn't matter though, it was an impossibility now, he couldn't really force the Doctor (in his mind the Doctor usually gives in after the first violent kiss) with the Tardis so completely on guard. Besides that, all his advances had been either missed or misinterpreted. All the Master wanted (at the moment) was the Doctor submitting to him. Was that so wrong? No. In fact, if any other person saw them together they would WANT the Master to have his Doctor in the end. It was romantic, entirely romantic and the Doctor was ruining it with his obtuseness!

At least the Freak was gone, if he had seen one more leer come the Doctor's way he would have thrown the immortal into the void. He may not be able to die, but Hell was just as good.

The Master sighed and pushed open the last door in the corridor. He stared at the contents not really believing his eyes.

"What?" He said in disbelief at the man before him. A handsome blond man in a Hawaiian shirt and sandals grinning ear to ear at him.

"What!?" He repeated himself staring angrily.

"Master! Wow man, long time no see!"

"WHAT?!??!?!?!??!?!?"


	2. Last of the Time Lords

Disclaimer: Not mine ... probably a good thing too

Summary: The Banana Monster still doesn't have a name, the Doctor remains obtuse (or so the Master thinks) -- oh yeah and there's an intruder

The Master was relatively upset by what he had found in the last room of the corridor.

If relatively was a synonym for extremely, and upset actually meant angry.

Then yes, the Master was relatively upset by what he had found. He decided then and there if the being had survived this long in the backrooms he could remain in the backrooms... or die in the backrooms, the Master really didn't care. The Doctor would never have to know—

"I felt bad for you having to do all the work so Alonzo and I decided to come and help you!"

Foiled again!!!

"We are not calling it Alonzo!" The Master spat turning quickly and blocking the view of the door. This, perhaps, might have worked if he was not trying to hide someone that could talk and make sounds... and move around.

"Doctor! Hey!"

The Master winced. The Doctor blinked, the soon to be named voice giggled slightly.

"Master...?" The Doctor asked with uncertainly (Which would have been nice if it hadn't been cause by the current situation).

The Master decided to go to his happy place (the Earth burning as he snogged the Doctor in front of the Freak while Martha Jones and a number of other of the Doctor's female companions were thrown into a volcano... their mouths duct taped shut so he didn't have to hear their annoying screams)

"Master..." The Doctor repeated, no more stern, "Who are you blocking?"

The Blond head popped up over the Master's shoulder, and damn it why was the Master's regenerations always shorter than everyone else's?

The Doctor's mouth fell open, "No... NO!!" He cried happily, "No!"

"YES!!!" The Master shouted in mock cheerfulness (his happy place had been shattered).

"Why... how did you... how could you...?" The Doctor spluttered pointing at blondie.

"How could I what?"

"Be alive?" the Doctor said, "And in the Tardis... in MY Tardis, how are you alive and in my Tardis at exactly this moment?"

"What ARE you talking about Doc?" the Doctor looked slightly annoyed at the use of 'Doc,' but his happiness seemed to let that slide.

"I just can't believe it," The Doctor said shaking his head, "The Bachelor alive and well in my Tardis."

Now for a small bit of back story: The Master has another archenemy who is not the Doctor. Unlike the Doctor the Master doesn't actually LIKE or RESPECT this archenemy in ANY WAY (Nor is he remotely attracted to him). The Bachelor went to school with the Master and the Doctor. He was the idiot (in the Master's opinion) of their group which also included the Rani, and other notable renegades. The Master had taken it upon himself to make sure the Bachelor was never ever mentioned in connection with himself (and therefore their group) after they had all graduated, because, frankly, the Bachelor gave Time Lords a bad name (in the Master's opinion).

Archenemy might be too strong a word, but damn it! He HATED the Bachelor!

The only comfort the Master got was, in his musings, he missed the Doctor's ramblings about how he couldn't believe it and then explaining about the Time War and how he—

"--I had to end it," The Doctor said sadly, "I tried so—"

"He tried so hard to find another way, blah blah, sniff sniff, end of the story. Everyone's dead but us, so why the Void aren't you? Dead that is," the Master said glaring between the two of them. The Bachelor gave a drop dead gorgeous (or irritating depending on who you are) smile.

"Well I'm glad that I managed to a-VOID (ha ha) that," the Bachelor said, "Don't worry Doctor, I understand, you did what you had to," He said putting a hand on the Doctor's shoulder. The Master made an abrupt movement that ended the contact since the Bachelor had been reaching over him to reach the Doctor. The Bachelor ran a hand through his bleach blond hair sighing softly looking up, "I can't believe it, I missed the whole war."

Both the Master and the Doctor stared at him incredulously.

"What?" They gapped in unison. The Bachelor shrugged scratching his head.

"Yeah, well, you remember that huge party we all had? The one right before we were all going to get our assignments?" The Doctor nodded. The Master glared. The Bachelor was at a party with the Doctor. With HIS Doctor?

"Oh yes," The Doctor nodded mulling it over, "I remember... my, that seems like two life times ago..."

"It WAS Doctor," The Master pointed out.

"Oh...yes."

"What party?" the Master asked utterly irked. The Doctor didn't seem to notice the Master's frowny face.

"Oh well THAT party, I lost a few rooms after that party, and the Tardis got a bit tipsy herself... though now that I think about it she landed exactly where I wanted her to right after, right time and date and everything... if I hadn't had such a hangover I probably would have been more impressed really."

"Which proves that even YOU think your Tardis is a hunk of junk," The Master muttered. At his words a piece of ceiling promptly fell on his head in retaliation.

The Bachelor nodded, "Yeah, that's the one! Man, that was one great night!" (was the Master the only one that found American accents annoying?). The Doctor nodded slowly.

"Yes, but that still doesn't explain how you're here, right now... alive!"

"Well, yes it does really," The Bachelor said shrugging slightly, "The rooms you were missing, one kitchen, a bedroom and a bathroom, I've been stuck in there, the door to the corridor was gone! I don't know what is UP with your Tardis Doc, but dude, it was like she was ignoring me for the past few years... I don't even know how long I was in there..."

The Doctor and the Master blinked. The Doctor was frowning now.

"But... but I would have FELT you...all those years of being alone, thinking that everyone was dead and you were in my back room!?"

Though the Master would have usually found that information endlessly amusing, it wasn't amusing him in the slightest because it was the Bachelor. If it had been Romanadvoratrelundar it might have been funny, the Rani the Master would have been in giggles, but NO, it was the Bachelor.

The Bachelor shrugged, "Well... I slept an awful lot... and then I had a few bad hangovers... but man Doc, you think YOU were lonely."

"Well considering he thought his whole race was extinct and it was his fault... which it was..." the Master said coming (badly) to the Doctor's defence. The Doctor looked slightly guilty again.

"Whatever man, WHAT-EVER, you had a bunch of hot humans surrounding you as soon as the War ended if I know you (and I do), that isn't lonely, not by a long shot."

The Master had to admit that that was exactly what the Doctor had done, but then again, anyone could have guessed that from the Doctor's past behaviour.

"Well... there was a few..." the Doctor admitted looking slightly miffed, "But—"

"Hey, Doc," the Bachelor said shoving past the Master (crushing the chance the Master had of pushing him back into the Backrooms and locking the door) slinging his arm around the Doctor, "It's cool, you were lonely, humans are hot, they're similar to us," The Bachelor started grinning again with that irritating smile, "But they don't have NOTHING on us Time Lords. Am I right? You know I'm right, and may I say this new regeneration of yours is rather cute."

And thus the Master's head exploded...

...Or the Tardis dropped another bit of ceiling on his head. Whatever the case he was now lying on the floor.

"Ugh..."

"Master... Master are you alright?"

Mmm Doctor...

"Master get a hold of yourself."

"Oh, Doc, that reminds me, wasn't Kos like... Dead?"

---

Author's note: ... alright if you haven't already got the joke you get your Doctorate, before that your Masters and before that your Bachelors...

Yeah... I'm hilarious like that ... (sighs) this whole story was conceived out of a bad pun.


	3. Really They're Hugging

Summary: The Banana Monster still doesn't have a name, the Doctor remains obtuse (or so the Master thinks) -- oh yeah and there's an intruder

-0-0-0-

The Master decided that this regeneration sucked. He had managed to steal the Tardis and decimate the world, but was still beaten by the Doctor because of humans thinking positively... that really was a huge sore spot. His wife shot him, the drums were really loud, he liked glam rock (the Doctor said this was really nothing to be ashamed of, but considering the Master was supposed to be a well respected villain it really was), and on top of all that his OTHER archenemy (who he didn't like, respect or find attractive in any way) turned out to be alive.

And the Tardis had dropped ceiling on his head.

"I mean, he was, right? He was totally dead, as a doornail even, I mean, I know Kos has died a few times, but this time it really seemed like it was pretty permanent..." The Master heard (his eyes were shut tightly from the pain of his horrible existence) the Doctor laugh lightly.

"The Master? Oh no, slippery as an eel when it comes to the mortal coil he is. Master, are you alright? It was just a bit of ceiling, and I'm sure she didn't mean it. Don't act like you're regenerating, come on, get up," He felt skinny arms around his torso and tried to freeze the moment in his mind, however that was destroyed.

"Oh, I got 'em Doc, no worries!" The Bachelor said as he lightly pushed the Doctor out of the way, roughly manhandling the Master to his feet. The Master quickly pulled away glaring.

"I don't need your help," He snapped at the Bachelor. He quickly turned to focused his ire on the Doctor, "And as for your ship Doctor, she DID do it on purpose, she hates me!" The Master could see the Bachelor smirking behind the Doctor's back. That smug little bast—

"Oh she does not hate you," The Doctor said waving his hand from side to side, "She was pretty mad at you for cannibalizing her and turning her into a Paradox Machine, but she has assured me that she has gotten over it!"

The Master stared levelly at the Doctor. The Tardis hated the Master and had not, in fact, forgiven him. She might have 'assured' the Doctor of forgiveness, but if she had it was a lie. How she HAD assured the Doctor, the Master wasn't quite sure since, as far as he knew, Tardis' didn't really communicate all that much mentally with their owners. Yes, a ship was usually attached to its Time Lord, and wanted to keep them safe and protected, even shared some emotion, however, they didn't actually talk.

His theory was that this Tardis was so old it had learned to communicate on a different level with the Doctor than any other Tardis could with a Time Lord.

...His other theory was that the Doctor himself had grown so old that he was now slightly senile and had started talking to the Tardis convincing himself that she was talking back (The Master, understandably was leaning towards the latter).

Whatever the case, talking or no, the Master KNEW that the Tardis still hadn't forgiven him for what he had done to her, which meant ceilings falling on his head, and at one point getting locked in a closet for three days.

"She has not gotten over it," The Master grumbled finally. The Doctor just rolled his eyes as if it was the Master who was being difficult and not his precious dilapidated ship.

"Kos, you need to chill," The Bachelor suggested. The Master decided that freezing the Bachelor to death would be a lot of fun.

"Don't call me 'Kos,' I am the Master," The Master said crossing his arms. The Doctor looked between the two of them.

"Well," He finally said, "Perhaps we should go back to the control room, have some tea, talk about old times, do some catching up."

"I want coffee," The Master said petulantly. The Doctor nodded with a small sigh.

"Yes, yes,"

"And really all of our old times are depressing," He added as they walked down the corridor.

"Oh not ALL of them," The Doctor denied.

"Fine then," the Master said brightly, "We can talk about all the times I tried to kill you, and then talk about all the times I succeeded, I like those old times!" The Master mocked, "Oh! And THEN we can talk about all the times you killed ME! It'll be ever so much fun!"

"Master!" the Doctor groaned. The Master gave a cat-like smile pushing the Doctor against the wall.

"Mmm, say it again—" before the Master was able to attempt anything nefarious he was jerked away. A piece of ceiling landed where he had been standing. The Doctor blinked.

"Ohhh, that was a close one," he said looking at the ceiling piece and then at the other two Time Lords, "It was a good thing that the Bachelor pulled you to safety!" he added brightly. He looked up at the ceiling and wagged his finger, "Now come on, behave, I know you feel like you're not getting enough attention, but that doesn't mean you're allowed to drop ceilings on my guests!"

The Doctor really WAS obtuse if he thought the Tardis did that for attention.

And the Bachelor had NOT pulled him to safety. He had jerked the Master away before he could attempt anything with the Doctor.

They finally made it to the control room, the Master and Bachelor taking seats.

"Now you two catch up while I go make refreshments. Allons—"

"For the last time, we are not calling it Alonzo," The Master cut him off coldly. The Doctor pouted putting the Mould Banana monster on his shoulder and heading to one of the kitchens.

"And don't you let that THING near my coffee!" The Master warned to the Doctor's retreating back.

That just left the Master with HIM.

The two sized each other up.

The Bachelor leaned back in his chair extremely self assured. The Master crossed his arms looking nonchalant (If nonchalant included narrow eyes, a bit of a pout and the whitening of his knuckles).

"Always following him aren't you?" The Bachelor said, first to break the silence.

Ha! Score one for the Master.

"I don't know what you're talking about," The Master droned. The Bachelor smirked and the Master was suddenly reminded of Captain Jack Harkness--no wonder he had hated that freak so much (other than for the obvious reasons).

"Oh, I think you do. With Thete. Even back in school you were always stalking him." The Master's eyes flashed in anger.

"I did not stalk him! We were friends, besides he was the one that followed me around, and then later we were enemies so really he was stalking me to stop me from doing what I wanted. Theta—I mean the Doctor follows me. Not the other way around, you're just jealous."

"Oh please, the Doc has the hots for yours truly. I would totally would have scored with him if I hadn't got stuck in those rooms," The Bachelor said tossing his head. The Master ground his teeth.

"He was the perfect amount of tipsy, and Thete, well, I hadn't see him in some time, and in school I was always dying to—"

"Don't finish that sentence or you really will be dying," The Master said pointedly, "The Doctor would never have let you touch him anyway. I don't think he's had sex since his first incarnation.

"Now who's jealous? Face it you don't have a chance against me now that I'm back. Let me assure you, I plan to steal the Doctor's hearts."

"You. Will. Not."

"Will to."

"Will NOT!"

"Will to."

"Not"

"To."

"Not."

"To."

"Not."

"To."

"Not. Not. NOT!!" The Master ground.

"To. To. TO!!!" The Bachelor exclaimed.

"Not times infinity!" The Master yelled.

"To times infinity plus one."

"DAMN IT!!" the Master howled launching himself at the Bachelor. It was at that moment the Doctor decided to come in a big smile on his face as he held a tray of refreshments.

"Aww, you're hugging! Look!" he said to the Banana monster, "They're hugging! It's nice to see you two getting along! We are the last of our race, and it would be such a shame if the two of you were arguing over something. Now that brings back memories," The Doctor said putting the tray down smiling at old memories, "You two would argue about the silliest things... who got to be my partner for that Nebula project, where we were all going to vacation, what to name the band (and wasn't it a shame that that never picked up?), at one point I think you both even argued about what I should wear to that—are you strangling each other?"

It took the Doctor awhile to realize, but even he couldn't mistake hugging for strangling that long. The Master and Bachelor quickly pulled away from each other.

"No." They both replied at the same time trying to look innocent (neither of them pulling it off)

"Really?" the Doctor frowned. There was a few moments of silence and then the Doctor broke into a huge smile, "Well that's good then!"

The Master rolled his eyes. And the Doctor wondered how he managed to get the upper hand so much (the Master ignored the fact that the Doctor usually won right after the Master gained the upper hand).

"Oh, Bachelor, I made up a room for you, right next to the Master's," The Doctor said happily eating a biscuit.

"What?" the Master cried, "He's not staying!"

The Doctor blinked at the Master's outburst, "Of course he is! He's a Time Lord, we're Time Lords, and this is the only Tardis left in existence. Gallifrey is gone by my own hand–"

"Oh please, PLEASE don't go angsty right now," The Master begged.

"I'm just saying I owe him a home, now don't I?"

"No."

"Master," The Doctor chided (completely ignoring the look of ecstasy on the Master's face at the sound of his name), "Besides, it'll just be like old times when we shared a dorm! The three of us back together again! It'll be fantas--* ugh I still can't say it right. It'll be Brilliant!"

Those words made all the times the Master killed the Doctor or attempted to kill the Doctor justified. He glanced over at the Bachelor; the Bachelor gave another one of his smug little smirks.

Oh yes... this meant war.

0—0—0

Author's notes: Noooo the Bachelor is not supposed to be liked (if you wanted to know) He's supposed to piss off the Master (and have a bad pun as his name) though if you like him there's nothing wrong with that.

*there's a deleted scene in the Christmas Invasion where Ten is trying to say fantastic but apparently his teeth make it so that he can't say it properly anymore.


	4. A Good Host Would Sleep With Him

Disclaimer: Not mine!

Summary: Early one morning, the Master is having problems falling asleep...

* * *

The Master didn't know what time it was, which, if you think about it makes a lot of sense since they were somewhere in space, and in space there was no sun (unless you happened to be near a sun) and therefore no day and night, and so time was a pretty useless thing.

However, somewhere in the universe it was 4:38 AM, and 4:38 AM was currently what the Master's internal clock was tuned to. Now, Time Lords don't sleep as much as humans do, this nevertheless, does not mean that it is polite to listen to extremely loud heavy metal music in the room right next to one (especially if that Time Lord happens to prefer Glam Rock). Did the Master complain? No! The Master was never one to complain. After asking politely (TURN THAT RACKET OFF YOU JERK-FACED MORON!!!!!) the Master decided to take it in stride. The Bachelor was TRYING to get him irked and then set him up somehow so that he, the Bachelor, would have a chance (however little it would be) to steal the Doctor away from the Master.

The Master was WAY too smart for that.

...

He was making a bomb. It would blow the pratt up.

...Thirteen times... can never be TOO careful after all.

And then he would be in little tiny pieces.

At this point the Master let out a disturbing, high-pitched laugh. The Master paused. He shook his head rapidly as if to clear it. This was stupid! The bomb was stupid!

A Machete would be much more satisfying!

No, wait... the Doctor would figure out it was him if he used a machete, whereas explosives he could blame on the Bachelor being stupid! That was much more satisfying!

No! Wait! The Doctor! The Doctor in his room! The Doctor in his room at this very moment ALONE. The Doctor in his room at this very moment alone AND the Master had an excuse!

The Master ran out of his room completely forgetting that he had left the bomb on a timer.

Children, this is why it is very important to get a good night's sleep.

Then again, it WAS a bomb and the Master was SURE to remember after taking a few steps out of his room. He is after all, a genius.

``Oh, forgot to turn off the lights!`` The Master muttered flipping them off, and then running full tilt towards the Doctor`s room.

...

Yeah... well... let's forget the bomb for now...

The Master with baited breath knocked softly on the Doctor`s door.

A heavy snore was his only response. The Master rolled his eyes and knocked louder. There was a small yelp, a thud, and then the soft treading of feet. The door slowly opened. The Master held back a smile. The Doctor stood before him in pyjamas, hair adorably mussed, bare-foot, and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

Of course the cute image didn`t stop the Master from thinking nasty R rated thoughts that can`t even be repeated in this story.

``Mas'er..." The Doctor asked tiredly, "Wha' are doing? I thought we decided that even though we're flying through space in the middle of nowhere, literally, now would be the equivalent of 4:40 AM..." The Master had to use as much restraint as he had to hold back his smug look (so instantly there was a smug look on his face).

"I know that. However, I cannot sleep Doctor," The Master declared. The Doctor looked at him blankly.

"What do you want me to do about it?" The Doctor asked pouting slightly wanting to get back into bed himself. (Well you ARE a doctor, Doctor...)

"Let me sleep with you tonight," The Master attempted. The Doctor blinked slowly.

"But I only got one bed in my room," He protested not understanding the Master's meaning at all. The Master looked up ceiling-ward—and managed to side step the piece of ceiling about to land atop his head. The Doctor was so sleepy he didn't even seem to notice his ship was out to get the Master.

"Let's share the bed then," The Master suggested as if he were talking to a very slow human child.

The Doctor tilted his head thinking carefully about this.

"It'll be just like old times..." The Master sang enticingly, "I know how much you love reminiscing..."

"But..." The Doctor said carefully, "You always hog the covers..."

The Master stared at him, "What?" he asked flatly. The Doctor nodded.

"Every time we shared a bed you always stole all the covers, and then I'd get cold and I'd steal them back and then you'd get cold, steal them back and then push me off the bed. I don't LIKE sharing the bed with you..."

The Master stared at him for a moment. He sniffed and a look of pure unhappiness came about him. If the Doctor hadn't known any better he could have sworn he could see a little tiny raincloud of gloom above the Master's head.

"But it's true!" The Doctor protested feeling slightly guilty, "And I'd always end up cold and on the floor with not even a pillow." The Master frowned.

"Well... we could do other things," He suggested. The Doctor looked entirely confused now.

"What other things? What can you do in a bed other than sleep? Well... I read in bed, but I don't really feel like reading out loud, and I don't really want a bed time story. I suppose you can also bounce on a bed, but I don't feel particularly bouncy at the moment."

"And isn't that a first," The Master muttered under his breath.

"And, I suppose on a bed you can sing, but Master, I'm really sleepy, and you're 856 years too old for a lullaby... I'd rather just sleep on my bed if you don't mind too much. Why can't you just go sleep on your own bed, alone?"

And people wondered why the Master hated him?

"I can't sleep in that room though!" the Master protested.

"Why?" the Doctor whined, his drowsiness was beginning to morph into grumpiness and no one liked a grumpy Doctor, "You've been sleeping in it fine the last few months."

"It's the Bachelor!" The Master complained, "He's been playing this AWFUL heavy metal music all night long, and so I can't get any sleep. If you were really a good host, you'd let me sleep with you!" The Master winced slightly, but the Doctor didn't seem to catch the double entendre.

"Now Master," The Doctor said with the air of someone who had to put up with crazy megalomaniacs a lot (which he in fact did), "Technically you're a prisoner."

"Someone you said you'd care for."

"Yes, yes, but your problem isn't because of the Bachelor anyways. My, you two are so alike."

The Master narrowed his eyes.

"What do you mean by that?" He asked suspiciously. The Doctor yawned.

"Oh he was here as well just like you about an hour ago complaining that you've been playing heavy metal music all night. He wanted to sleep with me too," The Doctor nodded.

"He still does..." the Master muttered now teeth grindingly angry.

"Hm?" The Doctor blinked.

"Nothing," The Master hissed, "If it's not him, then who is it that's playing that horrible music?!?"

"Oh, it's just the Tardis."

"Oh, it's the Tardis is it—THE TARDIS!? WHY ON GALLIFREY WOULD THE TARDIS BE LISTENING TO HEAVY METAL?!?" The Master twitched. The Doctor shrugged.

"She likes it," He said fondly, "She feels lonely when I go to sleep so I turn it on for her to listen to. She quite likes Iron Maiden."

The Master glared at the Doctor for a long time. The Doctor frowned.

"Oh, what? What is it now?" he grumbled.

"If you always play it for the Tardis, why is it that I've never heard it before?" The Master ground out. Never mind the fact that the Doctor was completely insane. The Doctor had always been completely insane, it was just showing itself more often, that's all.

"Oh, well, I'm sorry, that was my fault. I must have turned off the sound proofing while I was cleaning. The switch is right by the light switch, then it'll be as silent as a Weeping Angel... no wait that's a bit unsettling, I don't really like those Weeping Angels... it'll be as silent as... hmm."

"The grave?" The Master suggested. The Doctor gave him an annoyed look.

"No, no, that's even worse, anyway, just go back to bed." The Doctor said waving his hand down the corridor, "If you still can't sleep go sleep with the Bachelor, he was lonely too after all."

With that the Doctor closed his door in the Master's face.

The Master twitched.

AND PEOPLE WONDERED WHY HE HATED THAT MAN!?!?!

The Master stomped back towards his room muttering about obtuseness, idiocy, and honey and ant hills and how tasty the Bachelor would probably be to red ants. He slammed open the door and the room promptly exploded.

...

Thirteen times.

...

Which is why it is never a good idea to forget about your bombs. Luckily for the Master, it was a shoddily made bomb and so he was only knocked unconscious.

At least he could finally get some sleep.

* * *

Author's Note: Heh heh, the Tardis is so punk. Please Review


	5. Such a Tease

Disclaimer: Don't own... meh

* * *

You might think being exploded thirteen times would cause death and regeneration. This (luckily for the Master) was not the case. Because of his lack of sleep he had not made a very good, very powerful, very well made bomb, therefore, the force of the explosion did not in fact kill him.

He DID however have a massive headache, which was only made worse when the Doctor entered.

"Master it's time for breakfast—what in the name of Belgium happened in here?!" He gasped. The Master winced. His head hurt, his brain felt fuzzy, and the Doctor's yelling was annoyingly high-pitched.

"Language Doctor..." He mumbled from the ground. He felt the Doctor pull at him, and eventually dragged him onto the bed.

"What happened? It looks as if a bomb went off in here... sixteen times..."

"Thirteen actually."

"What?"

The Master shook his head trying to clear it. How could he make the Doctor go away? Better yet, How could he turn this to his advantage?

"I told you, you should have let me sleep with you last night, but NOOO, go sleep with the Bachelor you said, just turn off the sound proofing you said, you'll be fine alone you said. Look what happens, I get blown up thirteen times!" The Doctor stared at him in mild disbelief.

"But... HOW exactly did you get blown up thirteen times?" The Doctor asked running a hand through his hair, "I got all of Ace's explosives and I certainly didn't put them in here... Master, were you making a bomb that would explode thirteen times that would be able to destroy the Bachelor so that he wouldn't hit on me anymore?"

The Master MUST have rattled something in his head; he could have sworn the Doctor had just figured out EXACTLY what he had been doing last night.

"Master?"

"Have I ever told you how much I like it when you say my name?" The Doctor answered his question with an eye roll.

"I've sort of figured that one out yes," He paused smiling down at the Master taking a seat beside him on the bed.

"Have I ever told you how much I like saying it?" The Doctor grinned running a hand down the Master's chest. Suddenly, the Master's brain didn't feel so fuzzy any more.

"Doctor..."

"Mm Master?" The Doctor dipped his head down kissing the Master's cheek softly.

"So you don't have a thing for the Bachelor?"

"Of course not, I've loved you since we were kids Koschei," The Doctor laughed, "I just never knew how to tell you." The Master smiled happily.

"I must be dreaming," He laughed. The Doctor nodded.

"Probably, yeah."

"What?"

The Master woke up and this time it wasn't phantom dream pain he was feeling. He was on the ground in the entrance of his room wishing death and destruction on the Dream Doctor. Bloody tease.

"WOAH!!! WHAT THE VOID HAPPENED IN HERE?!" The Master squeezed his eyes shut trying to block out the pain and hate he felt hearing that (extremely loud, obnoxious, annoying, stupid) voice.

"Go kiss a Dalek," The Master groaned.

"IS THAT YOU KOS? YOU'RE UNDER RUBBLE!!!"

Oh so that's why it was so dark and heavy in here...

"You don't need to yell, just because there's rubble on top of me doesn't mean I can't hear your stupid, annoying voice you jerk." The Master coughed after the much too long sentence to utter when one is stuck under rubble.

And then there was silence...

"Bachelor?"

And more silence.

"Bachelor? Aren't you going to help me out of here?"

No answer.

Well damn...

* * *

Two, very long, humiliating hours later...

* * *

The Master growled as he limped down the corridor to the control room. He had managed to pull himself out of the rubble and patch himself up as best he could. He was greeted by laughter. Things keep getting better don't they?

"And then Kos says he's in the closet because he had left his egg plasma experiment in there and he's holding a cracked egg. Meanwhile you're staring in confusion asking if you had missed that specific assignment because it was the first you had heard of it! HA HA!!! So, so Kos EXPLAINS it in DETAIL to you!"

Oh goodie, they were reminiscing. The Doctor was laughing too.

"I DID that project you know. Handed it in and everything. The teacher thought I was out for extra credit and said how proud he was that I was taking an interest finally. Actually now that I think about it I owe the Master that pass in Bi--Master!" Ah, he was finally being acknowledged. The Master's one comfort was that the Bachelor looked annoyed at the aforementioned pass thanks to the Master.

"There you are," The Doctor nattered on, "you missed breakfast we have muffins, chocolate chip, very good, baked them myself and—and what on Earth happened!?"

Oh he would mention Earth wouldn't he?

The Master just glared at both of them taking his usual seat. The Doctor frowned standing up and going over to inspect him. He put a hand on the Master's shoulder.

"Master, come on, why are you sulking? Why does it look like you've been blown up at least... twelve times?"

The Master glared at him even harder. The Doctor waited.

"It's your fault," The Master finally declared. The Doctor was used to being accused of things that he didn't do (or at least didn't mean to do) though, that didn't mean he would take it from that Master (who usually MEANT to do it).

"What? How is this _my_ fault? I keep explosives in a clearly marked room which is, in fact, locked so that you can't get at them. So explain this to me, how is it my fault?"

"It's ALL your fault Doctor. Your Tardis, Iron Maiden, Bombs, Thirteen times, Belgium, dreams, teasing, the invention of broccoli, it's all your fault. Everything, everything bad in my life that has happened, it's all your doing."

The Doctor crossed his arms defensively, he was used to being accused of this too and he didn't like it ever, "Now that's not fair. Well—except for the Broccoli, that I did do, but you can't blame everything bad in your life on me!"

"Oh yes I can! First you're my friend and you LEAVE ME, then you're my enemy and you THWORT me, now you're my prison guard and you NEGLECT me!" The Doctor rolled his eyes as if the Master were being overly dramatic (which, let's face it...).

"I have NEVER neglected you. If anything it's you that neglects me!"

"You tell em Doc!" The Bachelor cheered.

"Stay out of this!" Both the Doctor and Master spat viciously.

"I neglect YOU? And how pray tell do I do that?" The Master hissed.

"Oh, well for starters the silent treatment, trying to manipulate me, HITTING me." So the Doctor HAD noticed.

"You hit him?" The Bachelor asked angrily standing up.

"Sit down!" The two other Time Lords commanded. He quickly did as told.

"Oh like you don't know why!" The Master yelled throwing his hands up in the air, "Have you never thought of WHY it might be that I hit you? EVER? Don't you think there might be a deeper meaning?"

"Not to mention," The Doctor proceeded not even acknowledging the Master's words, "Threatening and torturing and mind controlling my friends."

"You mean your annoying pets."

"Trying to kill me!"

"Oh like half the universe hasn't tried to kill you."

"Destroying the Earth!"

"It's only fair since you destroyed Gallifrey!"

The Doctor it seemed had been about to list something else, but he stopped dead. The Master put a hand over his mouth wincing slightly.

"I, it was... well it's true!" The Master finally said. He couldn't bring himself to apologise. If the Doctor would only just understand!

The Doctor stared at him icily for a moment and then ran out of the Tardis slamming the door behind him.

"FINE!!" the Master shouted, "RUN AWAY FROM THINGS LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO YOU COWARD!!! IF YOU COULD STAY IN ONE PLACE FOR A MOMENT MAYBE YOU'D UNDERSTAND ME FOR ONCE!!!!"

"You HIT him?!" The Bachelor roared now standing.

The Master punched him in the face knocking him to the ground. He then went to sulk in his own room.

This was entirely the Doctor's fault.

* * *

Author's note: A positive thinking chocolate chip muffin to those that catch the Hitchhiker's guide reference.


	6. Insanity is Contagious

Author's note: OMG I'm not alive and I like the newest series of Doctor Who! Callooh callay!! I HAVE SLAIN THE JABBERWOCKY!!

(Hugs Raggedy Doctor plushie)

Ten: (Wibble)

Author: OMG (glomp)

...and apparently my love for Ten is still RAGING

Ten: help...me...can'tbreath...

* * *

It had been a week.

Now, the Master didn't really care that it had been a whole week. By day two he was already at his limit for anger. The Doctor had yet to return from whatever forsaken planet they had landed on (The Master had looked it up two hours after the Doctor left, apparently they were on Earth, and wasn't that a bloody surprise). The Master was of course worried. The Doctor attracted trouble and at this very moment he could very well be dead (or regenerated). The Master would be very upset if the Doctor died... because the Master was going to kill him!

That jerk, making him pace around the Tardis staring at the door all day and night. It wasn't that he was worried or anything, it was just that without the Doctor he was stuck in the Tardis for the rest of his natural lives. What was worse, not only was he stuck on the Tardis for the rest of his natural lives, he was stuck on the Tardis with the Bachelor for the rest of his natural lives (Or the Bachelor's corpse depending on how things went). The Bachelor himself was useless, the first three days he had been trying to attack the Master...why the Master had no idea. Something about hitting the Doctor or something, totally off his head that man. When the Bachelor did decide that maybe it was a good idea to go look for the Doctor he couldn't open the bloody Tardis door, it seemed they were both locked in.

So all the Master could do was pace, growl and mutter under his breath, punch the Bachelor in the face on occasion, and wait.

For all the patience the Master had shown over the years, like for instance becoming a priest, convincing his prison guard that there were terrorists that only he could defeat, becoming Prime Minister... and he still felt dirty from that one (the politics, not destroying the world, he still thinks fondly of destroying the world). However, it seems his patience had finally run out.

"WHERE THE VOID IS THAT STUPID HUMAN LOVING MORON!?!?!? HE HAS DUTIES!! HE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN FLY THIS HEAP OF JUNK AND HE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN COOK OUT OF ALL OF THESE REGENERATIONS!!!! STUPID CRYBABY RUNING AWAY LIKE HE ALWAYS DOES I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" The Master screamed stamping his foot in the end like a six year old throwing a tantrum.

The Bachelor moaned from his place on the floor, just previously punched out (again) by the Master.

"You know, it's your fault that he hasn't come back yet. If you didn't take all your UST out on him—"

"What the Void is UST?" The Master growled furiously pacing again. It was good that the Tardis was metal otherwise there might have been a grove in the floor.

"Unresolved Sexual Tension."

The Master was silent for a moment.

"Where the void did you get a phrase like that?" The Bachelor grinned.

"Kos, I INVENTED that phrase."

"DON'T CALL ME KOS!" The Master yelled, "Why the hell aren't you doing anything? The Doctor could be dead for all you know! I thought you wanted to shag him!"

The Bachelor smiled dreamily at the thought, "Well he's so pretty..."

"Oh, snap out of it you lout," The Master growled, "I don't see why the Tardis won't let you out. It's not like YOU'RE a prisoner. You know what? It's probably a good thing you're stuck here; you'd probably make things even worse if the Doctor is in a situation.

"Maybe if we ask the Tardis nicely she'll let us out," The Bachelor suggested. The Master pulled a face.

"Rassilon you're as loony as the Doctor. Listen carefully, Tardis (AN: Tardises? Tardi?) do not understand language, and it is extremely hard to emote: Please let us out so that we can drag the Doctor back by his ear. Besides, even if the Tardis did understand (which she doesn't) she doesn't like me!"

"But she loves the Doctor," The Bachelor pointed out, "She'd do anything for the Doctor, probably even let you out of here. Come on K—I mean Master, it won't hurt to ask! Just humour me."

"I've humoured your existence long enough," the Master said, "If you want to talk to a heap of wood and metal, go ahead. I don't see why I have to do it."

The Bachelor looked away bashfully. The Master stared at him in disgust.

"Ugh, you already asked didn't you? It didn't work obviously. Well if it didn't work for you, it won't work for me, now leave me alone, I'm busy," The Master spat as he turned a corner.

"Listen, if we don't try we'll never be able to save the Doctor!" The Master turned another corner.

"There is no WE Bachelor. There is me, there is the Doctor, and me and the Doctor make a we and an us, best enemies the Doctor used to call us, BEST enemies, you're just a long strip of nothing that thinks Tardis can talk. You could never come between us!"

"Man you really are obsessed! You don't even deserve him. You're evil! How can an evil little jerk deserve someone as sweet as the Doctor?"

"OH NO!! Wait just a moment there. Yes, I might purposely do evil things sometimes, but it's only to improve the universe create order. The Doctor is much worse than me. He runs across the universe trying to hide from reality creating chaos by just showing up. He enjoys fear and danger. He's ruined many more lives than I have. You know all of his pretty little human companions? There's probably only a handful that have left him without a certain amount of mental scarring. The last two, one had her family enslaved and her entire planet destroyed and she had to travel around the world to fulfill the Doctor's little plan to save it, the other one was chained up in the boiler room for the whole year not allowed to sit down once, and killed a grand total of four-hundred and twenty-six times."

The Bachelor stared.

"Who did that to them?"

"... that doesn't matter, the point is, the Doctor brings nothing but trouble, he doesn't deserve ME not the other way around, and this is the reason why he's probably in danger right now!" The Master cried out in frustration. He stared at the ceiling.

"FINE," He shouted, "TARDIS, Let us out of here so that we can go save the Doctor. If you're worried about me running away the Bachelor will make sure that I don't escape. I know that he's inept and I could easily get away from him, but the Doctor doesn't have any of his stupid little companions to back him up, so if you don't want your dear Doctor to end up a pinstriped smear you better let us out of here."

Just as he finished a piece of ceiling fell on his head.

"THERE I TOLD YOU SO!!!" The Master said from the ground rubbing his head. The Bachelor stared.

"Hey, that isn't ceiling, it's handcuffs!" The Bachelor pointed out, "Maybe if we handcuff ourselves together the Tardis will let us out."

The Master pulled himself up frowning at the Bachelor, "Not if you were the last man from Gallifrey would I willingly handcuff myself to you," The Master proclaimed.

"I'm the second to last man from Gallifrey. Your last man from Gallifrey could be scared and alone somewhere, chained up, hair tussled, naked, frightened—"

The Master rolled his eyes, "You're getting off on that thought aren't you?"

"And you're not?"

"That's beside the point."

"Think of how thankful he'll be when I—I mean WE save him?"

"What did I say about using the word we in accordance with us?" The Master asked, "I'll save the Doctor myself," he added picking up the handcuffs, "You're just going to be the dead weight that I'll have to drag," he clicked the handcuffs onto their wrists. The Tardis door instantly opened.

"See, the Tardis does understand what we're saying."

"No, it's a huge coincidence, and obviously insanity is contagious, now come on," The Master ordered.

* * *

Author's note: the Bachelor obviously reads too much angsty fanfiction.

Doctor: .... wait... people find that attractive?

Author: ...mmm tussled hair--sorry what?

11th Doctor: Raggedy is in Ten

10th Doctor: ...

Have I mentioned my love of the Tardis and her scheming?


End file.
